erap jokes!

hello there again. here’s a bunch of erap jokes. corny but funny. haha labo.

Joan of Arc

Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. “Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?”

Erap: Of course. She’s Noah’s wife.

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African Safari

Erap and Loi were on an African safari when a huge lion sprang out of nowhere and drag Loi with its jaws.

Loi: shoot, shoot!

Erap: I can’t. I’ve run out of film!!

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Erap Makes a Wish

Erap shows a map of the Philippines to a genie and wishes that all the islands be connected by fly-overs.

Genie: I’m not that good. Make another wish!

Erap: Okay. Make me intelligent!

Genie: Can i see the map again?

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Signal Light

Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?

Erap (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa. ooops sira…

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Medical Exam

Erap is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit. The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Erap: “Miss, I am only following the instructions,” he says, “it says here, “Answer the following questions in brief’.”

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Logic Lang Iyan

One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.

Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.

Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.

Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.

Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.

Erap: Oo.

Ramos : Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng – lalaki ka.

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng – lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.

Erap : Oo.

Ramos : Kita mo na na, ganyan lang ang logic!

Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!

The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .

Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.

Maceda : Sige nga!

Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?

Maceda : Wala.

Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!

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Halo-halong

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top “Tear here”

During a press conference on morality…
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Erap: 16 !!!

Reporter: Why???

Erap: Because the priest says: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

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In grade school, asked to define bacteria,
Erap answers, “It’s the backdoor of the cafeteria.”

At a beach resort, Erap’s friends take a motorized banca to go to a nearby island. Rushing to the shore, Erap calls out to his friends, “Hoy! Wait!” but the banca speeds away. Erap picks up his binoculars, focuses on his friends in the banca, and softly says, “Balik kayo! Sasama ako!”

Asked why he regularly patronizes a certain restaurant, Erap says “I like the ambulance.”

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Potato

Erap was out dining in a restaurant when they overheard some people at another table order some potatoes and some mashed potatoes. One of Erap’s dinner guests asked Erap, “What’s the difference between a potato and a mashed potato?”

Erap pointed to the skin on his wrist, ” Ito, puti ‘to.” He then pointed to his white shirt and said, ” Ito, mas puti ‘to.”

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Elevator

FVR: Sorry I’m late! brownout! na stuck sa elevator for 1 hr

ERAP: Wala yan ako 3 hrs sa escalator

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Erap at a California Pizza kitchen

Erap: Waiter, ano bang specialty niyo?

Waiter: Sir we have a wide range of pizza

Erap: A ganun ba?..Isang Shakeys special nga!

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Underwear

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples

ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

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Litres

TANONG: Ilang litres meron ang Coke 2000?

ERAP: Apat! letter “C”, letter “O”, letter “K” at letter “E”

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Astronauts will travel to the sun

Erap was in a meeting with the American president, Russian president, and other representatives. The American president said…”In the year 2000, our astronauts will go to the moon!!!”. Everyone clapped and cheered. The Russian president said…”In the year 2000, our astronauts will go to Mars!!!”. Everyone clapped and cheered even louder. Then Erap suddenly said…”In the year 2000, our astronauts will go to the sun!!!”.

The American president said, “but sir, that is impossible, your astronauts will burn before they could reach the surface of the sun!”.

Erap replied…”That’s no problem…we will go at night!!!”.

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My Body Hurts

ERAP: Doc, help me. May body hurts all over. Look, if i touch my head, OUCH! My leg, OUCH!, Even my hair, OUCH!
DOC: Ah, Mr. President, I think your finger is broken.

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Ballerina!

While watching a ballerina tip toeing on stage, Erap commented- “Ang tanga naman ng direktor! Bakit hindi na lang sya kumuha ng matangkad?!”

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In a coffee shop…

Erap: 1 coffee please

Waiter: Decaf, sir?

Erap: Of course! Debaso is too big and too much for me!

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Flight to SF

ERAP: I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco

OPERATOR: Just a minute sir

ERAP: Ah, ok. Thank you.

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Apollo 13

reporter: mr. president, have you watched “Apollo 13″.

erap: no, i might not undertand it.

reporter: why??

Erap: because i wasn’t able to watch Apollo part 1 to 12.

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Science Class

In a science class.
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?

Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon,pinipigilan yon!!

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IQ test

A teacher went up to Erap because he wanted to test Erap’s IQ.
Teacher: Erap, can you spell defense?
Erap: Aba naman, oo!!! D-E-F-E-N-S-E!!!
T: Aba, tama ho! E, defeat?
E: Aba naman… kadali-dali! D-E-F-E-A-T!!!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang galing niyo naman! E, how about detail?
E: D-E-T-A-I-L!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang dami-daming nagkamali tungkol sa inyo ha! Eh ang tali-talino niyo pala! O, ito, last question ko sayo. Gamitin mo and defense, defeat and detail in a sentence.
E: The cow jump over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT then DETAIL.

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Pollutants

President Bush asks ERAP:
“What are the pollutants in your country?”

ERAP: “Pollutants? Ah, we have sisig, kilawin, pla-pla, mane, chicharon; Sus, plenty, plenty”

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Black Tie

ERAP: Nakakahiya!

JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?

ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do’n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

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Pip

Jinggoy: Dad, pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
Erap: (natawa) trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di pang-lima, kaya nga PIP and tawag sa kanya, di ba?

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Erap endorses Milo

Erap was asked to endorse MILO (as the olympic drink). He agreed on one condition: That no script shall be given to him for he has thought of a way of endorsing the said product. Everybody agreed on the idea so finally they finalized the contract and all that stuff.

On the day of the shooting of the ad, ERAP finally delivered his most awaited impromptu ad: then he said: “I made a very simple ad that speaks well of the product. All I will have to do is give meaning to the four-letter word of M-I-L-O!”

Then he started giving the meaning of each letter which goes like this:

M – Masarap na masarap ito.

I – Inumin ng nakararami.

L – Lasap na lasap ang lasa.

O – OVALTINE, THE OLYMPIC DRINK !!!!!!

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There was a mirror that eats liars.

Pangit: I think I’m CUTE! – kinain siya.

Taba: I think I’m SEXY! – kinain siya.

Erap: I think.. – kinain na.

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Erap and Gloria were at a meeting when they got hungry.

Erap: bili tayo ng sopdrinks at mani.

Gloria: Tinitigyawat ako sa mani e!

Erap: O Talaga!? ako sa mukha tinitigyawat!

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Erap Orders a Pizza

Waiter: Sir Do You Want Me To Cut Your Pizza Into 4 or 8?

Erap: 4 na Lang, Baka Di Ko Maubos Pag 8.

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World Wide Web

One day, Erap notices people were signing up for a free seminar about the WWW.
Erap says, “It’s really nice to see so many people interested in history. But, there should be another seminar where our country was more involved.”

His bodyguard says: “What do you mean, sir?”

Erap explains: “I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT…. not only world war wan….. but also world war two.”

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Erap and the Iron

Clinton: What happened to your ears?
Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead.
Clinton: What happened to your other ear?

Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.

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IQ Test

ERAP: Sabi nila Bobo ako. Hindi totoo iyan. Kumuha nga ako ng I.Q. Test NEGATIVE naman ang result ah.

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Miriam versus Erap

The most intelligent “presidential”, Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidential to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to
Miriam. Now, it’s his turn.

He asks Miriam: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.

Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, “Well, so what IS the answer!?”
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….

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Erap and Fire Exit

Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.

Erap: Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

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Erap’s White House Visit

Bumisita si Erap sa White House para makipag-meeting kay President Bill Clinton since Sunday yung meeting pareho silang allowed na mag Jeans at T-Shirt. After the meeting, naglakad sila ni Clinton sa Garden, nang papalabas sila sa Garden nagustuhan ni Erap yung suot ni Clinton na Pantalon, so tinanong nya si Clinton.

Erap: Mr. President, I like your Jeans, what’s the Brand name of that?

Clinton: GUESS

Erap: Nag-isip… at Biglang sinabi… LEVIS?

Clinton: GUESS

Erap: Nag-isip ulit, at biglang sinabi… hmmmm… I think that’s WRANGLER.

Tanga… GUESS nga daw eh…

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Engine Trouble

Nagka-engine trouble ang sinasakyang eroplano nina Erap at FVR kaya binigyan sila ng tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.

Dahil sundalo at sanay si FVR sa ganito, pinauna niyang tumalon si Erap. Tumalon si Erap at nagbukas agad ang kanyang parachute.

Sumunod si FVR, kaso, sira ang naibigay sa kanya at hindi iyon bumukas kaya bumulusok siyang pababa.

Nakita ito ni Erap at sumigaw siya:

“Ah karera pala ang gusto mo, ha? Teka!” sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute para maunahan si FVR.

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Erap, Cory and FVR

Si Erap, si Cory at si FVR at nahuli ng mga NPA. Sila ay dinala sa taguan ng mga ito, at i-eexecute sila sa pamamagitan ng firing squad.

Inuna ng mga NPA si Cory. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Cory, Bagyo!!! Nagtakbuhan yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si Cory.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si FVR yung isinunod. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si FVR, Earthquake!!! Nagtakbuhan ulit yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si FVR.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si Erap na. Iniisip ni Erap kung pano sya tatakas, dahil nagamit na nung dalawang ex-presidente ang bagyo at earthquake. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Erap, Fire!!!